“Treat every person with kindness and respect, even those who are rude to you. Remember that you show compassion to others not because of who they are but because of who you are.” – Andrew T. Somers
Greetings to you, all my fans of pork. For your entertainment in today’s story I want to talk about Christmas Parties and all the great times to be had at them, and there is one party in particular I wish tell you about. I included the quote on top since I felt that it fits in nicely with our story today. As we all know, parties have been a significant highlight of the Christmas season. People get all dressed up, create a special dish or two, and get together with family and friends they may have not seen in a long while all to have a really good time. There are legends of parties that went perfect, all festive and bright, as well as parties that have gone awry, when people have let their hair down just a bit too much. I had an experience at one party when this one girl let her hair down to the point that it really got alllll tangled up in the tinsel, if you know what I mean. But that story is for another time.
I remember my first Christmas party I ever went to, it was a blast. The party was held at a friend of mine house, Ace. Now Ace and his wife Judy put on a spread every year. The outside of the house is always decorated bright as the center piece of the neighborhood show. The inside of the house never lacks either, when they sing “Deck the Halls” what they really mean is “Go See Ace & Judy’s Place”. They always have this huge, huge tree with lots of holly and evergreen and poinsettias filling in any bare spots. A true Mecca of Christmas.
The day of the party came and I was really excited to go, Rainman & I iced down a keg of homebrew we made just for the party. The family got all dolled up and I put on my best leather over my red pants and shirt. The black on top of the red made me look perfect in the Christmas spirit. After Stacey put a Santa hat on my head, that gave me the perfect biker Santa look. Woo Hoo, I was ready. (Side note: I have always felt that life should be spent as though everyday is a party, never sad or unhappy. And when it is your time to be called up, you should arrive sliding in on your ass with chocolate in one hand and a beer in the other shouting “Woo Hoo, what a ride”)Now when it comes to parties, I don’t go for this being fashionably late crap. There is no need for grand entrances among friends, let’s get there and get this party started.
As we drove down the street to Ace’s place, you could see their yard lit up a mile away. It shimmered in the night with red and white lights and every type of yard decoration you could think of. Ace greeted us at the door and helped us get the keg set up inside. The tap was installed, the co2 was pumped in and the homebrew was flowing. Houston, we have lift off, this party is officially started. There were people were arriving left & right. I had never seen so many hugs, kisses & hand slaps before in my life. I figured I would stay by the keg and serve as a makeshift bartender slinging beers. It worked great for me since I was new to the crowd; I was able to make new friends left & right.
I was standing there next to the beer stand talking with this one dude, Charlie. Charlie was busy telling me all about the new cam kit he put in his hog and how he boosted his horsepower up by 25%, coupled with the cool paint job Ace did for him equaled out to one very cool ride. It was an interesting story, but then, someone had caught my eye, it was there when I saw her, she was the girl of my dreams. Whatever it was that Charlie was saying about the horsepower of his bike, trailed off into the distance as I watched her walking through the crowd. She was drop dead gorgeous. She had this long blond hair with the trim body dressed in a short black mini skirt wearing high-top black boots and a green turtleneck sweater. Her tight fitting clothes revealed a beautiful trimmed body that would make any woman jealous. It was love at first sight, I wanted her, I needed her and I was going to get to know her. Oh Santa, could I have her for my present this year?
As she walked through the crowd she was looking for someone or something. Then she had found it, she was looking for me. She turned and headed straight for me. The girl of my dreams was coming to me, I couldn’t believe it. What do I say? How should I act? I started to get real nervous. Why is it now that I need to use the restroom? At least I thought she was headed towards me until she walked up and asked Charlie to pour her a beer. She didn’t even notice me standing there. Charlie poured her a cold one and handed it to her. She thanked him with a smile and a wink of her eye then turned to walk away, I was missing my chance. I had to go for it.
“I made that beer.” I sputtered out. She stopped & turned back towards Charlie, “I’m sorry, did you say something?” she asked.
“No, he did.” Charlie answered pointing down at me.
“Yeah, right.” she said in disbelief.
“I said, I made the beer, or at least I helped to make it. That is what my buddy, Rainman & I do.” I stammered out. I felt I was blowing it with my stumbling, “How do you like it?” I must have really sounded like a dork to her, I just couldn’t help myself, she was so beautiful.
“Forget it oinker, you don’t stand a chance.” She spun around on the heal of her boot in simulation of grinding me into the ground as she walked away.
“Wow dude, I have never seen a guy get shot down as fast, so bad like that before, that must have hurt.” Charlie sympathized to me. Yeah it hurt alright, I just stood there in shock-how could she have said that to me? The girl of my dreams would never do that to me. I would have felt better if she had slapped me in the face, it least then I would have had physical contact with her.
“Better luck next time.” Charlie told me.
“Oh no, she will be mine,” I replied, “I don’t give up. A Pig has to do what a Pig has to do, and this pig wants her” I announced.
“Just be careful, that’s how stalkers get started.” Charlie warned me. I walked off in search of my dream girl, if I could just get her to talk to me, I know she will like me and then she will hug me and love on me. Oh how great that would be to have a girl that hot be with me. I made my way through the crowd, which is no easy task when you only stand 14” tall in a room full of people. I was about to get stepped on when I looked up and yelled “Excuse me”. It was my good buddy Ace.
“Sorry there Pig, I didn’t see ya.” He said.
“That’s OK Ace, help me out here, put me up on your shoulder.” Ace complied and hoisted me up. From up there I on my perch, I could see everybody in the room. She was no where to be found, damm. Ace asked me what I was up to and I told him about her. “Sorry dude, haven’t seen anyone like that here. Did you get her name?” he asked.
“My guess is you’re out of luck until you see her again. Don’t worry, you’ll find her. Meanwhile go get yourself something to eat and enjoy the party.”
I jumped down and made my way to the dining room where the food was being served. As I made my way in the room, I could smell all of the good eats there were to enjoy, the problem was it was all up high on the table where I couldn’t reach. Now, while we pigs may not be Joe College educated, we are still pretty smart. My snout confirmed there was definitely some good food on the table top and I was not going to let a difference in height stop me from having some. I just shimmied right up the table leg and climbed onto the top of the table.
I looked around to see a real layout of all kinds of favorite Christmas dishes. I wasted no time grabbing a plate and started to load up. There was the relish tray-hmmm pickles and black olives, and then the veggie tray-nope, get enough of those at home. Oh wait, can’t pass up the spinach dip with sourdough bread.
“Oh how gross, it’s that disgusting pig again” I heard come from the other end of the table, it was the girl of my dreams I had been looking for. “Hi there, I see we meet again.” I said to her. She just turned on her heel and walked away. I couldn’t understand why she was being that way with me, it was very hurtful. I thought maybe I smelled bad so I raised my arms and checked my pits, nope, they were fine. About that time Judy walked in and saw me on top of her table.
“Pig, what are you doing?”
“HUNGRY,” I exclaimed, getting some eats.”
“You shouldn’t be up on the table, that’s bad manners.” Judy exclaimed.
“Oh, my bad, I couldn’t reach the table so I went with plan B and climbed up the leg.” She picked me up and gave me a hug. I always like getting hugs from Judy, she knows how to give hugs that feel real good, even after the time I accidentally, on purpose adjusted her TV knobs.
“Oh honey, if your hungry, all you have to do is ask, now what would you like on your plate?”
“Some of that, some of that and some of that.” I said pointing at some turkey, dressing and cheese ball with crackers. She loaded my plate, kissed me on the forehead and set me down to go eat. She told me to be careful and not spill anything on the floor. I started to walk away when I stopped and turned back to Judy,
“Judy, can I ask you who that girl is?” I pointed her out from across the room.
“Oh her? That is Mindy; she is a friend of Joanne, why? Are you interested in her?”
“Yeah, I think she’s hot.” I admitted.
“Oh Honey, you don’t want to mess with her, she thinks she is high class in the low rent district.”
“Thanks, but I still think she’s hot.”
“Be careful around her, from what I have heard, I bet she has more diseases than a Broadway hooker, I guess you can chase her if you wish, but if you ask me, she is nothing more than a worthless fender flop.” I didn’t want to believe that the girl of my dreams was nothing more than a mere fender flop. I refuse to accept it, there was no way she was, she was just too beautiful. The only thing obvious was she didn’t think too much about me. I needed a plan to get her to notice me, but what could I do?
For this being my first Christmas party, I was doing pretty good. I was making good friends and I think that I may have found true love with a woman who hasn’t noticed me yet. The remaining portion of the story is a little long, so I decided it would be best to break it up into two parts. Tune in tomorrow for the conclusion of the story. I promise all of your questions will be answered. Do I get the girl? Does she fall in love with me? Or do I just drown my sorrows in gallons of homebrew.
Ride Hard or Stay Home