My Christmas Morning

My Christmas Morning

Hey Greetings to all my lovers of pork.

As you can tell by today’s title I’m here today to tell you all about my Christmas morning. If you read my last page, you know that I had intentions to stay up late Christmas Eve and see if I could catch a glimpse of the old fat man. To further assist me in my quest, I said that I was going to use radar (Military Grade) to track his every movement for me to be ready when he showed up.

The Big Man Himself

After a lovely evening spent with the family, Rainman did his standard shut down for the night by falling asleep in his recliner and snoring loud enough to wake the dead. After about 30 minutes of using the chainsaw to saw logs, everyone else decided to call it an early night and get some rest for Christmas day. After I was sure the rest of the household was out for the night, I fired up the old laptop, grabbed a fresh homebrew of Christmas beer out of the fridge and sat down to begin my trace.

Well, after about a half hour of searching and using two different search engines, I was getting close to finding the radar system I needed to track the fat man. But none of that mattered. Inside the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse, except for the 12 federal agents that just busted through the front door and placed me under arrest. It seems that my ‘surfing’ alerted to the ‘proper’ authorities that someone in this household was attempting to hack into one of the NORAD systems. Oh-Boy, did I ever mess up this time. This one was bad!

All I was trying to do was prove to everyone that Santa Claus does exist, and that he was on his way here to San Antonio. All I got for my effort was a pair of handcuffs behind my back. Rainman and Stacey just stood there in disbelief as I was lead away to the squad car. Things went from bad to worse as I sat in the back of the squad car when old man Higgenson from across the street came out of his house. Seems that all the flashing red & blue lights woke him from his gentle slumber on this fine Christmas Eve. The old man, who can barely stand up on his own without the use of his cane or a walker, walks right up to an agent and begins to demand to know “just what in the HELL was going on here”. there he was talking to (more like yelling) the federal marshals about interrupting his sleep, along with the sleep of the rest of the neighborhood and wrongful arrest and prosecution of an innocent pig (that would be me).

Now a crowd of neighbors was gathering around the squad car I was sitting in. They too were beginning to demand to know what was going on. Thank God the marshals kept a very cool head, the crowd was ready to get out of hand and quick. Mr. Higgenson was being the riot leader demanded that I be released immediately and to prove his point that he meant business, Mr. Higgenson raised his cane and wacked that cop on the back of his shoulder. Lucky for him the crowd got a hold of the old man and pulled him back away. Now we can add assault charges to the list. Oh-Boy, at this point I will be old and gray before anyone sees me again.

What happened next is something I still can not believe. Two agents came out of the house carrying two cardboard boxes. They placed the boxes in the trunk of one of the other cars and then told the agent with the sore shoulder to release me. He went on to say that it was all a very big misunderstanding and that no charges would be filed. The crowd of neighbors cheered when I jumped out of the car. And suddenly, the marshals were gone as fast as they showed up. Everyone went home and it was all over. Thank you!

As I walked in the house, Stacey took one look at me and told Rainman “He’s your Pig, you deal with him.” With that she went off to bed. Rainman didn’t even bother with an explanation from me, he knew what I was up to. Seems that he was able to secure my release once he proved I was not a threat to national security, that I was only wanting to find Santa Claus. Sadly and with much regret, the deal for my release was finalized when the agents confiscated our two cases of Christmas brew. It is good to know that our government is still hard at work securing our great nation.


Merry Christmas To All

Merry Christmas To All

Greeting to All,

Thanks for stopping by today, I am really glad you are here reading this today. I just wanted to take a moment to say a hearty and boisterous “Thank You” for being a fan and reader of my blog page, it really means a lot to me that you are here. Also, I would like to say “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! to you and your family.” This year has been a long journey not only for my family and I, but for many of you out there in the internet land as well. There are families in our communities that have had some trying times this year with the slow economy as well as our own household has had to deal with some personal health issues. But we will not allow those issues to bring us down, nor will we allow those issues to take away our merry little Christmas.

I am reminded of a quote from Agnes Pahro, it says:

“What is Christmas? It is tenderness for the past, courage for the present, hope for the future. It is a fervent wish that every cup may overflow with blessings rich and eternal, and that every path may lead to peace.” ~Agnes M. Pahro
I hope and pray that God continues to bless you and your family in the upcoming year.

I am on pins and needles awaiting the approaching Christmas morning. I have sent my Christmas wish list to Santa Claus and I continue to tap my foot on the floor waiting in anticipation for him. Tonight on Christmas Eve, I will stay up and be there when he arrives. In the years past I have tried many times to catch just so much as a tiny little glimpse of him, but year after year, I have failed to do so. This year, I will be using a different tactic, this year I will be hacking into the military radar defense system to track Santa’s every move in the sky. I have learned not to trust the TV weather man radar since those bums can’t ever predict the weather right. And as soon as he gets to our house, I am waking everyone up so we can open presents. Yes sir there Jim Bob, this is the year I am gonna catch him.

Ahhhhh, the joy of Christmas morning, I think Erma Bombeck said it best:

There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” ~Erma Bombeck

I will let you know how it turns out. Meanwhile I want to ask you for a favor. Please, please, please send me a note and tell me what was the best Christmas gift you ever got and what was the worse gift you ever got. It doesn’t have to be a gift from this year, just whenever. I want to compile the list, see who got what and make a suggestion list for next year. So send them to me at pig8080@LIVE.COM I can’t wait to hear from you.

As we begin preparations to to close out the year, let us look forward to the new year. I hope and pray that 2012 will bring to all of us happiness and prosperity. Always remember the “dreams are goals in the planning stage, it is up to us to make them happen.

Have a safe and blessed Christmas, and I will see you next year.

Ride Hard or Stay Home.


P.S. Be sure to send me those best and worse Christmas gifts.

The Christmas Present

The Christmas Present

“One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day.  Don’t clean it up too quickly.” – Andy Rooney

Greetings to all of my piglets. Today we have yet another round added to our stack of stories for the Christmas series. So far this year, I’ve shot my mouth off about the true meaning of Christmas, Santa Claus and those wonderful hung-over producing Christmas Parties. For today’s continuation, we will talk about those little “packages”. Those things that come in boxes, and bags, all wrapped up in pretty decorated paper. That’s right, you guessed it, PRESENTS.

A gift for Christmas is always given as an expression of our love towards the receiver. Presents come in all different sizes, shapes and colors. I have seen people give expensive gifts to where they had to mortgage the house to pay for them. I have also seen presents be as simple as a plate of cookies (Chocolate chip are my personal favorite, hint, hint). Presents should never be given with the intention of out gifting someone or trying to score brownie points with the receiver. I, myself, love giving what I hope is the best gift to ever give. I always want the receiver to know how much I do care for them. And that leads us to today’s story. So before we start, do you have a nice warm fire burning in the fireplace? Are you all snuggled up nice and warm? How about a nice cup of hot chocolate to sip while we read? Ready or not, here we go.

Our story today took place a few Christmases ago when we had friends of the family who were in the Air Force and were stationed at Randolph AFB. The young couples’ names were Lindley and Emily and we all became friends through church. Being a young couple just starting out in their married life, they didn’t have a whole lot of disposable income. So I guess you could say, our family sort of adopted them. Every weekend, they came over for dinner and we would play games or watch movies together. We were a tight-knit group and always did what we could for each other.

In November of that year, on one Friday night, we all went out for pizza and beer at our local Pizza Hut (Yeah, I know, they suck) The plan was to eat there, then rent a couple of movies and go home to watch them. As we headed home Stacey wanted to stop at Sonic for some ice cream. We all picked our favorite flavor of shake, can you guess what mine was? Yeap, Chocolate, oh yeah baby. Anyway, we got home, fired up the DVD player, sipped our shakes and enjoyed the movies.

When it came time to say goodnight, we stood in the front entry and hugged bye and talked some what-not. Now at this point of the evening, Lindley was acting a bit particular. He couldn’t get out of the house fast enough. Odd as it was, Rainman & I followed them out the door and walked with them to their car. Lindley & Emily drove off into the night. Rainman & I turned and headed back into the house. The second we stepped in the door we found out why Lindley wanted to leave so fast. We had walked right into a green cloud of super charged fart gas that had the same toxic level to that of mustard gas. Yeap, it seems that our boy Lindley was holding and holding and held on till he could hold no more. His SBD was so powerful on the rank scale that it made both of us almost throw-up. Hell man, there was even cracks forming in the paint on the walls. Even the poor dog had to run outside to get away from it.

Stacey called from the bedroom and asked what was the matter. We stood there gagging and before we could catch our breath to warn her, she came down the hall and walked right into it. She quickly turned two shades of blue and headed back to the bedroom while the two of us braved contracting a deadly illness and got the windows open to air out the house. It was so bad that Stacey was mad as hell when she called Lindley at home just to chew his nasty butt out. Of course Lindley apologized over and over, he said that he was lactose intolerant. “Then why did you have a shake?” Stacey asked him.

Because it sounded so good and I wanted one, I figured we would have been long gone before the shake would have kicked in” Lindley admitted.

Well, you figured dead wrong and now Ray will have to repaint the front room” Stacey retorted. The incident was soon dropped and forgotten about under the new rule: No dairy products for Lindley more than two hours till departure.

As time passed, the days soon turned into weeks and Christmas was right around the corner. We planned to have a Christmas party on Christmas Eve at our house with all our friends from church. There was to be a couples, small gift exchange during the party. We picked Lindley & Emily as our couple. Stacey wanted to get them some” little something” that turned out to be a chick gift. Rainman didn’t see that as fair to Lindley since all couples gifts are usually aimed towards the dames away. So to balance the scale to equal gifts for all, Rainman & I set out to buy Lindley a gift of his own.

With Rainman being this big kid type of guy every Christmas season, we ended up getting Lindley a remote controlled truck. In fact, Rainman was so impressed with his purchase that he bought one for him and one for me too. That way the three of us could act like a couple of spoiled bratty kids playing with our trucks together. When we got home, we showed mom what we bought, would you believe that she immediately snatched them up and told the two of us we had to wait for Christmas just like Lindley. Ouch, that hurt, we wanted to play now.

Well after an unbearable week and a half of waiting, Christmas Eve finally came. Everybody from church came over, we were rocking around the Christmas tree and keeping a close eye out for St. Nick. The time had come to open presents. The sixteen of us gathered around in the living room and the presents were passed out. But then Rainman comes out of the front bedroom with a bagged gift. Something was amiss here, that bag was too small to hold the remote controlled truck. He handed Lindley the bag and said “Merry Christmas Bud, I hope you like it.”

Thank you and Merry Christmas to you too” Lindley said, he had this big cheesy grin on his face.

Everybody took turns opening their gifts, everything was pretty and nice. Then it became Emily’s turn, she opened hers to find a nice bubble bath set with candles and scents (like I said, chick stuff).

Oh how pretty, thank you Stacey” she said. Funny how she knew it wasn’t from Rainman. It was Lindley’s turn, again I knew what was not in that bag so I looked over at Rainman and gave him a “what’s up” look. He just nodded back. Lindley tore open the bag and reached inside. He pulled out something wrapped in an old shop towel. Everyone watched with curiosity as Lindley continued to unwrap the mystery gift. Lindley held it out in his hand and with the sound of shock in his voice he said “I got a ROCK.” It was indeed a rock, I recognized the rock, it was from our garden in the front yard. What happened to the truck? Lindley repeated it again “I got a rock.” The room fell silent, I think everyone in the room was just as shocked as Lindley was. Rainman was the only one grinning, and he was doing that from ear to ear. This was really fucked up. But Emily never missed a beat. She turned to her husband, looked him straight in the face and bellowed out for all of the room to hear “Well, that’s what you get for farting in someones house.”

The whole room erupted in laughter. Lindley hung his head in shame.
The Pastors wife let out a “Oh my Lord.” Greg, one of the Deacons, laughed so hard he started choking on a chicken wing he was eating and had to be slapped on the back. The Pastor himself was so appalled that he popped his denture loose and had to excuse himself. No one was about to let poor Lindley off the hook this time. Everyone wanted to know the details behind this “fart” that caused him to get a rock for Christmas. But the only thing Lindley could say was, “I got a rock”, and the laughter continued. Rainman finally let Lindley off the hook, he pulled out the real gift and handed it to him. As he unwrapped his real gift, Lindley kept saying it over and over “I can’t believe you gave me a rock.” Meanwhile, Rainman rolled out the other two trucks. He had spent the day charging up the batteries so that they were ready to roll. We began to chase each other around the house with the trucks – that is until mom made us put them up.

When it came time to leave, the pastor was still bewildered at Rainman and told him he would be praying for his salvation for pulling such a mean prank. Rainman just shook his hand and said thank you Pastor, I know I really need that prayer. Emily gave Rainman a hug, thanked him for such a wonderful party, and wished him a Merry Christmas. Lindley stood there with his truck tucked up under his arm. Instead of hugging or even giving Rainman a handshake, he just handed Rainman back the rock. He said it one more time “I can’t believe you gave me a rock for Christmas.” They finally hugged and all was right in the world once again. As the last guest drove away, Rainman took the rock and placed it under the Texas shaped family logo next to the garage door. He placed it there so that everytime he saw that rock, he would remember the time he pulled one of the greatest Christmas pranks of all times.

Hey everyone, I just wanted you to know that I really enjoy having the opportunity to write these stories, if you enjoy them, leave me a comment once in a while. I would love to hear from you. I would like to wish each and every one of you a Merry Christmas and may the new year be full of blessing for you.

“Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love!” – Hamilton Wright Mabie

Ride Hard or Stay Home


Christmas Parties Part 2

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and sings it back to you when you have forgotten how it goes.”

Christmas Parties Part 2

Greetings everyone. We left off yesterday where I had tried to meet who I thought was the girl of my dreams, Mindy. A beautiful young lady with all the nice features. I tried to introduce myself to her twice and twice I was shot down. I decided to give it one more try, because pigs like me never give up. Especially when it comes to love. Let’s see what happens next.

I decided I would try to be the popular guy of the party, you know what I mean, I needed to work the crowd, get people laughing, be the guy every woman wants to be with. That would surely impress her to want to be with me. After I finished my plate, I then started on my plan and began to mingle with everyone nearby her, I was pretty good at it. I was telling some great jokes, I started dancing with the ladies and high fiving it with the guys. Oh I was having a great time, and people were enjoying having me there. Soon I was the highlight of the party. But my plan was not working; Mindy would not even look in my direction. I was becoming heart broke over it by trying so hard. I came to face the hard reality that Mindy was not the girl of my dreams. The cold naked weather of December chilled my bones to the core as I went for broke and asked her to dance with me. Her response was, “I don’t dance with swine, go away and leave me alone, you disgust me, you pig.” I felt the icy cold grip of her hatred for me push the knife blade through my heart, for it was not to be with her.

I slunked off to go talk to Charlie and a group of guys on the other side of the room. Charlie handed me a fresh cup of brew and patted me on the shoulder “Better luck next time.” He consoled me. I took a deep breath and I got myself over the heartbreak but I couldn’t get over the hurt of her ugly, painful words. This was no way to spend my time at a real happening Christmas party.

“She’s trailer trash – forget her, your better than that.” I heard this lovely voice say to me. I looked over to where I heard the voice come from, it was a lovely lady named Shala, I had danced with her earlier.

Thank you, I appreciate that.” I told her.

You know Pig, the best way to get over something that hurts is to get rid of the problem the problem that caused the hurt.”

Yeah, I know.”

Well then-get rid of the problem and everything will be fine, I promise.” Shala said.

What do you mean by all that?” I asked her.

That part you need to figure out yourself,” she told me, “I know you can do it.”

Great, that was just what I needed, advice I don’t have a clue knowing how to use. This night just keeps getting better and better. I decided to down a few cups of party lubricant and after my 3rd one I loosened up and was having fun talking with the guys. One guy in the group, Peter, made a comment that it was a shame that I struck out so bad with Mindy. I asked him what he meant by that and he went on to explain that the other wives were becoming a little jealous and concerned with how Mindy was hitting on all the married men at the party. Since I was a single pig, they all would have preferred for me to hook up with her. Several of the wives were plotting how to get rid of Mindy all together before something serious happened.

“Get rid of the problem” popped into my head, I saw now that if I wanted to feel better, I just needed to make the problem causing my pain to go away. That was what was Shala was trying to tell me, she was saying to get rid of Mindy. I faced a real dilemma here, if I tried to run her off I risk upsetting Ace & Judy if I ruin their party and, And, AND, I also promised Stacey I would be on my ultra-best behavior tonight. It could be awful cold having to sleep outdoors tonight if I pissed her off. It was a very tough choice. I weighted all those risks in one hand, and I looked at the other hand, it was empty. Then I realized something, I am a pig living in a mans world. I for one, being an animal first, have certain laws of nature I need to follow. Breaking one of those laws would be to break my very being. I had nothing to lose by being bad but a few cold nights sleep. One of the laws of nature that I must follow is: I must not allow myself to be beaten up by a two-bit dame. I’m sorry ladies if I have offended any of you with that last comment, but the rules are the rules.


Another cup of liquid courage and my path was clear; I knew what I needed to do. All I needed now was some proper motivation to make it all happen.

Yeah Peter, I may have struck out once, but I bet I could still get in her panties.” I bravely announced to the group. Everyone stopped talking as now I had their attention. What was I doing? Why did I say that? They knew as well as I did too there was no way I was ever going to get near those drawers on her. But now that it was said, there would be NO turning back. What happened next was a replay from the movie “A Christmas Story”. You know the part, it is when Flick is challenged to stick his tongue to a frozen light pole, the only difference is instead of using the kids triple dog dare, we were going to do this dare man style.

“Oh really, you think so there Pig!” Peter countered.

Yeah, I’m pretty confident” I said standing tall.

I’ve got 50 bucks that says no way it will ever happen.”

Tell you what, let’s make it 100 bucks and then we will see who is going to be smiling.” I said upping the ante.

Without any hesitation Peter accepted “All right, I’ll take that bet. My 100 bucks says you won’t get in her panties by the end of this party. And for proof for you to win is you have to have her panties and not someone else in your hands to collect.”

You have yourself a bet.” I shook his hand. The deal was set in place. I all have to do now is pull this one off. I had to, I didn’t have so much as 100 pennies, let alone dollars in my pocket.

Pig, what are you doing?” Charlie asked me.

Hey man, it’s not a party til somebody gets naked” I said. They all laughed. I leaned over towards Shala and said to her “This one is for you baby.” with a wink. She grinned from ear to ear and nodded to me with approval, her champion has been selected and will stand up for her. Shala then nudged her friend sitting next to her and whispered in her ear. Within seconds the whole side of the room was getting quite and they were watching me to see what I was going to do. My spine stiffened as I downed another cup of homemade courage. Funny thing about that liquid courage, it sure helps when you really need it.

Without Mindy seeing me, I worked my way carefully through the crowd until I was behind her. Mindy was busy hitting on another guy, flirting with him about how she would love a ride on the back of his bike sometime. I was in position, I scanned the crowd. Charlie, Rick and Peter and the others were watching, waiting with anticipation for what was coming. Mindy had no idea she was about to become the prime example of why people should be a little nicer towards others.


OK, I know what a few of you reading this might be thinking – I shouldn’t be doing this, and I would be better off behaving myself and just letting it go. You may be right. But here are the facts. I was nice to her when I tried to introduce myself to her. She reacted rude and insensitive. She had no couth in how she came across towards me. 2nd. she called me disgusting, which was very rude towards me. 3rd She had no morals hitting on another woman’s husband, and that is bad manners, bad form. So my justification in this matter is simple, I was not doing this for myself; I was doing this for the other wives present at the party. So with all that said, it was time to make tonight a party to remember.

I was in position and ready to do this. I turned my head and I looked straight up her mini skirt. There I saw she was wearing a pair of emerald green butt covers that matched the color of her sweater. I looked over at Rick and said “Hey Rick, they’re green!” With that, Mindy looked around the room as everyone busted out laughing at her. She then looked down and saw me looking up between her legs. She screamed and as she did I jumped up as if on cue and grabbed her around the waist. As I did that, I used my true animal instinct and stuck my cold, wet snout straight into her butt.

She screamed even louder and jumped as she threw her drink right into the face of the guy she was talking to and started dancing around in circles trying to buck me off like I was riding a bull. I don’t know what she was thinking about at the time she sure was trying hard to get me off of her. Now picture this in your mind; She continued failing around the room with my head stuck to her butt. Instead of anyone helping her, people were laughing and just moved out of the way and allowed it to continue. Mindy was digging and clawing me with her fingernails into my arms, but I still refused to let go. Ace was smart enough to go open the front door and Mindy ran out with me still attached. She tripped and fell in the front yard where we landed on the grass. I wasted no time and reached up her skirt and removed her butt covers. Mindy jumped up like she was on springs and ran off down the street screaming.

I stood up holding my trophy in my hand and began to twirl it around in a circle high above my head. The crowd of people who followed us out the door began to cheer and clapped for me. Then someone in the crowd began to chant Pig, Pig, Pig as the other joined in. I stood before everyone and took a bow. We all finally went back inside as the party continued on. I put my trophy on my head wearing them like a makeshift hat. I then walked up to Peter and held my hand out. Peter smiled as he dug into his pocket and pulled out two fifty dollar bills and handed them to me. He never thought for one minute I could have pulled this one off – but I did.

After a few pictures were taken with me wearing my trophy on my head, we heard the doorbell ring. Ace opened the door to see two police officers standing there with Mindy behind them. She was babbling on something about how she was molested by a pig and wanted me arrested. Ace turned to the side and allowed the cops to see me standing there with her panties on my head. He told the cops that she took her panties off right there in front of everyone and placed them there herself and was then told to leave the party. The cops wasted no time in disputing what really happened by placing the cuffs on her instead and arrested her for molesting an animal of a barnyard nature. I didn’t even know that law existed.

After the cops left with her in the backseat of the patrol car, we continued with the party and rocked on until the wee hours of the morning. Like the Rudolph song says “You’ll go down in history” and so did this party. There has been many more parties since then, but never one as rememberble as this one. The friends I made that night continue to this day to be good friends. They are the best and being with them reminds me of a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson “The glory of friendship is not in the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is in the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers thatsomeone else believes in him and is willing to trust him.”

I hope your Christmas parties this year are as much fun

Ride Hard or Stay Home


Christmas Parties

Treat every person with kindness and respect, even those who are rude to you. Remember that you show compassion to others not because of who they are but because of who you are.” – Andrew T. Somers      

Christmas Parties

Greetings to you, all my fans of pork. For your entertainment in today’s story I want to talk about Christmas Parties and all the great times to be had at them, and there is one party in particular I wish tell you about. I included the quote on top since I felt that it fits in nicely with our story today. As we all know, parties have been a significant highlight of the Christmas season. People get all dressed up, create a special dish or two, and get together with family and friends they may have not seen in a long while all to have a really good time. There are legends of parties that went perfect, all festive and bright, as well as parties that have gone awry, when people have let their hair down just a bit too much. I had an experience at one party when this one girl let her hair down to the point that it really got alllll tangled up in the tinsel, if you know what I mean. But that story is for another time.

I remember my first Christmas party I ever went to, it was a blast. The party was held at a friend of mine house, Ace. Now Ace and his wife Judy put on a spread every year. The outside of the house is always decorated bright as the center piece of the neighborhood show. The inside of the house never lacks either, when they sing “Deck the Halls” what they really mean is “Go See Ace & Judy’s Place”. They always have this huge, huge tree with lots of holly and evergreen and poinsettias filling in any bare spots. A true Mecca of Christmas.

The day of the party came and I was really excited to go, Rainman & I iced down a keg of homebrew we made just for the party. The family got all dolled up and I put on my best leather over my red pants and shirt. The black on top of the red made me look perfect in the Christmas spirit. After Stacey put a Santa hat on my head, that gave me the perfect biker Santa look. Woo Hoo, I was ready. (Side note: I have always felt that life should be spent as though everyday is a party, never sad or unhappy. And when it is your time to be called up, you should arrive sliding in on your ass with chocolate in one hand and a beer in the other shouting “Woo Hoo, what a ride”)Now when it comes to parties, I don’t go for this being fashionably late crap. There is no need for grand entrances among friends, let’s get there and get this party started.

As we drove down the street to Ace’s place, you could see their yard lit up a mile away. It shimmered in the night with red and white lights and every type of yard decoration you could think of. Ace greeted us at the door and helped us get the keg set up inside. The tap was installed, the co2 was pumped in and the homebrew was flowing. Houston, we have lift off, this party is officially started. There were people were arriving left & right. I had never seen so many hugs, kisses & hand slaps before in my life. I figured I would stay by the keg and serve as a makeshift bartender slinging beers. It worked great for me since I was new to the crowd; I was able to make new friends left & right.

I was standing there next to the beer stand talking with this one dude, Charlie. Charlie was busy telling me all about the new cam kit he put in his hog and how he boosted his horsepower up by 25%, coupled with the cool paint job Ace did for him equaled out to one very cool ride. It was an interesting story, but then, someone had caught my eye, it was there when I saw her, she was the girl of my dreams. Whatever it was that Charlie was saying about the horsepower of his bike, trailed off into the distance as I watched her walking through the crowd. She was drop dead gorgeous. She had this long blond hair with the trim body dressed in a short black mini skirt wearing high-top black boots and a green turtleneck sweater. Her tight fitting clothes revealed a beautiful trimmed body that would make any woman jealous. It was love at first sight, I wanted her, I needed her and I was going to get to know her. Oh Santa, could I have her for my present this year?

As she walked through the crowd she was looking for someone or something. Then she had found it, she was looking for me. She turned and headed straight for me. The girl of my dreams was coming to me, I couldn’t believe it. What do I say? How should I act? I started to get real nervous. Why is it now that I need to use the restroom? At least I thought she was headed towards me until she walked up and asked Charlie to pour her a beer. She didn’t even notice me standing there. Charlie poured her a cold one and handed it to her. She thanked him with a smile and a wink of her eye then turned to walk away, I was missing my chance. I had to go for it.

“I made that beer.” I sputtered out. She stopped & turned back towards Charlie, “I’m sorry, did you say something?” she asked.

No, he did.” Charlie answered pointing down at me.

Yeah, right.” she said in disbelief.

I said, I made the beer, or at least I helped to make it. That is what my buddy, Rainman & I do.” I stammered out. I felt I was blowing it with my stumbling, “How do you like it?” I must have really sounded like a dork to her, I just couldn’t help myself, she was so beautiful.

Forget it oinker, you don’t stand a chance.” She spun around on the heal of her boot in simulation of grinding me into the ground as she walked away.

Wow dude, I have never seen a guy get shot down as fast, so bad like that before, that must have hurt.” Charlie sympathized to me. Yeah it hurt alright, I just stood there in shock-how could she have said that to me? The girl of my dreams would never do that to me. I would have felt better if she had slapped me in the face, it least then I would have had physical contact with her.

“Better luck next time.” Charlie told me.

Oh no, she will be mine,” I replied, “I don’t give up. A Pig has to do what a Pig has to do, and this pig wants her” I announced.

Just be careful, that’s how stalkers get started.” Charlie warned me. I walked off in search of my dream girl, if I could just get her to talk to me, I know she will like me and then she will hug me and love on me. Oh how great that would be to have a girl that hot be with me. I made my way through the crowd, which is no easy task when you only stand 14” tall in a room full of people. I was about to get stepped on when I looked up and yelled “Excuse me”. It was my good buddy Ace.

Sorry there Pig, I didn’t see ya.” He said.

That’s OK Ace, help me out here, put me up on your shoulder.” Ace complied and hoisted me up. From up there I on my perch, I could see everybody in the room. She was no where to be found, damm. Ace asked me what I was up to and I told him about her. “Sorry dude, haven’t seen anyone like that here. Did you get her name?” he asked.


My guess is you’re out of luck until you see her again. Don’t worry, you’ll find her. Meanwhile go get yourself something to eat and enjoy the party.”

I jumped down and made my way to the dining room where the food was being served. As I made my way in the room, I could smell all of the good eats there were to enjoy, the problem was it was all up high on the table where I couldn’t reach. Now, while we pigs may not be Joe College educated, we are still pretty smart. My snout confirmed there was definitely some good food on the table top and I was not going to let a difference in height stop me from having some. I just shimmied right up the table leg and climbed onto the top of the table.

I looked around to see a real layout of all kinds of favorite Christmas dishes. I wasted no time grabbing a plate and started to load up. There was the relish tray-hmmm pickles and black olives, and then the veggie tray-nope, get enough of those at home. Oh wait, can’t pass up the spinach dip with sourdough bread.

Oh how gross, it’s that disgusting pig again” I heard come from the other end of the table, it was the girl of my dreams I had been looking for. “Hi there, I see we meet again.” I said to her. She just turned on her heel and walked away. I couldn’t understand why she was being that way with me, it was very hurtful. I thought maybe I smelled bad so I raised my arms and checked my pits, nope, they were fine. About that time Judy walked in and saw me on top of her table.

Pig, what are you doing?”

HUNGRY,” I exclaimed, getting some eats.”

You shouldn’t be up on the table, that’s bad manners.” Judy exclaimed.

Oh, my bad, I couldn’t reach the table so I went with plan B and climbed up the leg.” She picked me up and gave me a hug. I always like getting hugs from Judy, she knows how to give hugs that feel real good, even after the time I accidentally, on purpose adjusted her TV knobs.

“Oh honey, if your hungry, all you have to do is ask, now what would you like on your plate?”

Some of that, some of that and some of that.” I said pointing at some turkey, dressing and cheese ball with crackers. She loaded my plate, kissed me on the forehead and set me down to go eat. She told me to be careful and not spill anything on the floor. I started to walk away when I stopped and turned back to Judy,

Judy, can I ask you who that girl is?” I pointed her out from across the room.

Oh her? That is Mindy; she is a friend of Joanne, why? Are you interested in her?”

Yeah, I think she’s hot.” I admitted.

Oh Honey, you don’t want to mess with her, she thinks she is high class in the low rent district.”

Thanks, but I still think she’s hot.”

Be careful around her, from what I have heard, I bet she has more diseases than a Broadway hooker, I guess you can chase her if you wish, but if you ask me, she is nothing more than a worthless fender flop.” I didn’t want to believe that the girl of my dreams was nothing more than a mere fender flop. I refuse to accept it, there was no way she was, she was just too beautiful. The only thing obvious was she didn’t think too much about me. I needed a plan to get her to notice me, but what could I do?

For this being my first Christmas party, I was doing pretty good. I was making good friends and I think that I may have found true love with a woman who hasn’t noticed me yet. The remaining portion of the story is a little long, so I decided it would be best to break it up into two parts. Tune in tomorrow for the conclusion of the story. I promise all of your questions will be answered. Do I get the girl? Does she fall in love with me? Or do I just drown my sorrows in gallons of homebrew.

Ride Hard or Stay Home