Rainman Gets Arrested


Pig Writes:

Hey there Piglets, yes, yes, yes, it’s me again. I have a new update for you. Are you ready for this? Here we go. In my last post I told ya’ll how Rainman (in his age of wisdom) forgot to renew his Texas drivers’ license. And now it is time to tell you what happened at the DMV As ya’ll know, at the DMV they have state troopers hanging out in the back room. They wait for dumb butts who walk in with warrants on their records and try to renew their license. They also wait there for the ones who drive up with a expired license too. And since Rainman has been driving for the past few weeks on an expired license…

I wanted to go with him over to the DMV just to watch the show. You know the one; it is where the cop gives you the demonstration of how to properly apply his baton to the back of Rainman’s head. That happens just before he properly applies the handcuffs. Having personally been in that situation, I knew I would enjoy seeing it happen to Rainman for the first time.

Now I know what you all are thinking. “Shame on you Pig for wanting to see your best friend be treated like that.” Yeah, yeah, I know. But it’s like this, Rainman is always telling me to behave. He never wants to let me get into trouble. There is no fun in good behavior. And once, just once, I would like for him to see and feel what I go through. OK, now with that said, here we go.

That day I went to work with Rainman and at lunch time he would head over to the DMV. Along the way there, I convinced him to stop and get me some lunch since once he was arrested; I knew it would be a while til I get to eat again. When we got to the DMV I stayed out in the truck while he went inside. I could see through the window he would be waiting in line a while so I finished my burger.

When it was his turn, I went up to the glass to watch. I would have gone inside but the sign on the door said “No Pets”, I didn’t want to push my luck. Chewing on some now cold fries, I watched and waited for the state trooper to come out as Rainman went to the front counter. He handed the girl his expired license. Yeap, any minute now that cop will come out.

Instead the girl handed him the card back with another piece of paper to fill out. They must wait with the cop to give Rainman a chance to fill out the “What to do with the dead body” form.

Rainman walked over to another table and began to fill the form out. This was much better, that must be where they will arrest him, it is right in front of everyone there. It was perfect to make an example of him.

I waited, still no cop yet.

Then Rainman went over to another counter. Ahhh, so that’s where they will do it. He was greeted by a smiling lady. That’s a trick they use. They smile at you to make you feel at ease for the coming doom.

Wait for it…

Any minute now that cop will come busting out the door and smack him on the head. I was on pins and needles waiting.

Wait for it…

Now he is looking in something that looks like a microscope, he is still talking to her.

Now he is pulling out his wallet. Maybe he has to empty his pockets.

No, now he is handing her money, OMG he’s paying her off to stay out of jail. Wait a minute, that sure is a cheap payoff.

W.T.H. She just handed him back his license along with another piece of paper. He’s still smiling. Here he comes. But…, but…, where the cops?

Come on Pig, we’re done here.” He said walking to the truck.

Hey, what’s the deal here?” “Why weren’t you arrested in there?”

Pig, I tried to tell you before, I only needed to renew my license, Come on Dude, let’s go.”

Awe Man, where the fun in that?



He Warned Me


Pig Writes:

Hey there Piglets,

Everyone knows Rainman just turned 50 couple weeks ago.

He warned me not to blog about his birthday this year.

He told me not to joke about it either.

He even went as far as to warn me to leave it alone.

Rainman was oh so worried about turning 50 that it passed by quietly.

So what is the big deal about all that.

I’ll tell you what the big deal is.

This morning I was routing through his wallet looking for some beer money, when I looked at his drivers license I saw that it was EXPIRED. The dumb-ass was so worked up about his birthday that he forgot to renew it.

You should have seen the look on his face when I showed it to him.

I’m still laughing my ass off over it. Mr. Straight Lace forgot to renew his license.

Mr. Perfect messed up big time driving without his T.D.L. I can’t wait to see what they do to him at the DMV.

I hope the cop uses the baton.


Writers Block

I’m so cool I gotta wear shades

One of the great things about blogging is you get to be creative as you want. One of the bad things about blogging is you can also acquire a mean case of writers block. That last one is what I have been going through for the past month. One mean case of writers block. But thanks to my good friend and follow blogger, Leanne Shirtliffe ~ironic mom, my blockage is healing much better. If you have never read her blog before, I would suggest you pop on over and check it out.

A few weeks ago she posted about two young fellows using a word that one would never expect for them to use. Thanks to that post, it gave me an idea to get my creative juices flowing once more.

Today I am going to take a word and see how much I can write about that one word. This might be interesting. If it works I will give full credit to Ms. Leanne. Since this is the first time I am doing this I will keep it simple. Leanne, I hope I do you proud!


Here goes

I think I’ll call this “ For The Love Of A Pig”

What is love?

Where does love come from?

What is loves purpose?

Love serves me laughter, like foamy bubbles tickling my nose.

Loves taste is bitter sweet.

Love starts out cold.

If left alone love becomes lukewarm.

Love comes in many shapes and sizes.

Love is powerful. It gives me the strength of 10 pigs.

Love is hurtful. It can bring me to my knees.

Love can make me sick.

Love can also make me happy.

A shot of love can brighten even the darkest day.

Wait a minute…

Did I use the word “Love”?

Damn it!

I meant to use the word “Beer” This is great, now I screwed it all up. Sorry everyone, sorry Leanne. I guess I need to go back and try again. I guess I’m not fully recovered from the blockage. Good thing this isn’t a homework assignment.

Words out of my mouth

You Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth

Image via Wikipedia

 Authored by:   Pig

On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat

to the wolf with the red roses?

Will he offer me his mouth?


Will he offer me his teeth?


Will he offer me his jaws?


Will he offer me his hunger?


Again, will he offer me his hunger?


And will he starve without me?


Then does he love me?



On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat

to the wolf with the red roses?


I bet you say that to all the boys.

You took the words out of my mouth

Sung By:



Today while everyone was at work, I was left alone in the house with the cats.  Bored out of my mind, I paced around the house with nothing to do.  All the while, I suffered what all of us writers go through-the dreaded writers block.  I had one severe, bad case of it.  Thank God for the internet, there are a lot of blogs out there and a lot of good writers have given their advice on how to break the writers block.  Hoodie Up was my only option since we were out of both Cheetos and Diet Coke in the house.  (I think the cats hid them from me.) 

Diet Coke

Image via Wikipedia

I sat there staring at the computer screen with a blank look on my face.


I needed some inspiration so I borrowed Ray’s MP-3 player and turned it on.  Yeap, you guessed it, dead battery.  Oh great, just my luck, could this day possibly get any worse?  I found a new battery in the desk drawer, popped it in and started to jam.


With the first song on deck I found my inspiration i.e.: this post.

No-I’m not writing about the song, I’m writing about what is in the

song, the first line to be exact. 

It caught hold of me, it pulled me in.  That first line had me from the beginning to the end.  Wow, why can’t I write like that?  With the first line, I found what I was looking for.

 The best pick up line ever.

 I can see it now, no more struggling to break the ice with the ladies. 

It’s bound to work, it has to work.  Oh yes – with that line, she will be putty in my hand hoof.

 But how do I say it? I don’t sound anything like Meatloaf.

Actually, I sound more like Porky Pig.  Ba Deep, ba deep ba dats all folks.


Maybe I should I try using a deep voice? Say like Barry White?

I just don’t know what to do here.


Ah Ha, I know what to do – it’s time to rally up the troops.  OK people, we need a little help here.  We need to know something.  Does “On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses” work or a pick up line for a Pig like me?  I sure can’t ask the cats for help-they ate all my Cheetos.  I would love to hear from you if you think it will work.  And if you don’t feel it is the right kind of pick up line, could you offer me one that is right? 


While I wait for your replies, I think I’ll just go chase the cats around the house.


Ride Hard or Stay Home